Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Stuck

Some of you may read this and think I am selfish and ungrateful. I’m not. This is an honest from my heart post, that I felt I needed to write.

I have been feeling a bit like I am stuck in a rut. I have goals and things I am working towards, but I have been feeling like the life I am living is not the life I wanted. As a kid I didn’t want to get married til I was in my mid 20’s. I was going to go to Uni, serve a mission for my church, THEN consider marriage.

As a teen, the idea of marriage was ok. At the end of my teens I wanted to go be a camp counsellor in the USA and travel USA then conservation work in Costa Rica, nanny in Ireland or England and travel Europe then travel Asia etc... I had the trips completely planned.

I met my husband when I was 19. Married him 4 days before I turned 20. We did go to New Zealand and USA that year. We bought a house the next year, had our first daughter the next year. Moved interstate the following year and had our next daughter the year after that, which brings me to this year.

It is not that I don’t love my family, it’s just that my life has turned out very different to what I had planned. I came to the realisation the other day, that I must be “mourning” that life and I need to let it go. I can never do some of those things, and I should be grateful for the things I do have which some people spend their whole life desiring and never getting.

I have 2 kids, when I was told at 17yrs old it is unlikely I would have any. I have a husband who loves me and provides for our family and I do not need to work. I am publishing my first book. I have done some travel. I own a house. I just bought the car I wanted (And it totally rocks btw!) I have a good life.

Realising this has made me feel so much better. Just because my life hasn’t turned out how I planned doesn’t mean it’s not awesome. There are some things though that I have always wanted to do, which are on my 101 list and I am going to do them. I am going to stop focussing on how I wanted to do more travelling and how we will travel when the kids are older and focus more on the here and now.

I have already mentioned that I will be doing the bridge climb and surfing lessons. Today I am going to look into dance lessons. I wanted to lose some more weight before I started some, so I will be looking into classes for next term and seeing how much I will need. I lost another kilo this week and am hoping to be back to my prekids weight by my birthday in April. This is not unrealistic either.

This year is MY year I have decided. I am going to do some of the things I have always wanted. I am going to live for today. I am still saving for the future but I want experiences for the now. I want us to have a house here, not and IP. I want my girls to have a backyard they can play in. I want them to have fond memories of their childhood, of the family activities, holidays and things.

I am going to stop “trying to lose weight” and just lose it already! I have PCOS which makes weight lose hard, but it is an excuse I refuse to use anymore. I have lost 13kg in the last year so I am capable of losing eight!

I am going to stop thinking about doing a dance class and do one. I am going to learn the 2nd language like I have always wanted.

Every year since I met my husband I have had something big happen that year. Something we have had to save for or I have been pregnant which has stopped me from doing things I have wanted to do. This year I will not be pregnant and other than hopefully selling our house in Syd and buying here, there is not anything major which I have to save for. I am not postponing my desires anymore.

Just so you know, I have depression and am medicated for it. I truly feel that if I started living MY life, it will get better, coz lately it has been getting worse. Sorry for the long post, but i just wanted everyone to know where I am at.

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