Thursday, May 19, 2011
There have been a few things that I have had to make a decision about or do lately which have left me feeling sick. You know that feeling where something just isn’t right and it’s not what you should do? Where you get the pit in your stomach or actually feel like you might vomit.
I have had so many thoughts running around my head the past few days and I know I have not been the best to live with as a result. I have been thinking a lot about my life, the direction I want to go in, dreams and ambitions I have, the things I want for my family, the way I want to raise my daughters etc... You know, just every aspect of my life in general.
When I was younger I made some decisions that weren’t what I wanted to do, but rather what I felt was expected of me to do. They weren’t wrong decisions, just different to what I really wanted. Ever since the second some of those decisions were made I have questioned if I did the right thing and have often thought I didn’t, but I can’t change them.
Today, I decided to write it all out. I wrote out how I was feeling, the decisions and circumstances which lead me to the point I am at in my life and what decisions I wish I had made and where I wish my life currently was.
I sat down with blank paper. Pages and pages of it, as I did not care how much I wrote. I was just writing anything and everything that came to me. All the feelings and thoughts that popped into my head. To me, it was all relevant. I wanted to see the real me. I was not seeking out thoughts. I was just sitting in the sunshine writing everything.
And what I discovered as I wrote and as my true feelings came to the surface was very interesting. I won’t say much about it all yet, as I need to discuss it with my husband and actually look into it, but it made sense.
It was quite an emotional thing to do.
I know many people who have just let go of what it was they wanted to do or just given up and I wanted to. Well, a part of me really wanted to let go of everything and just continue on with my life as is. A much larger part of me says I can’t. I can’t let go of it. I need to do it or I will regret it forever.