Monday, November 25, 2013

Body image - How I see myself vs how I really am

I am a size 8 - 10. That is what my clothing tags say. I see myself like this


In this photo I am about a size 16 - 18. It is from 2009, after I had my second daughter and had lost some weight, but still felt extremely big. I felt ugly and didn't feel like myself.

I now look like this


This is a size 8 or a US size 4. Physically and logically I am not fat. I exercise and I eat well but mentally I am still a size 16 many days. I often pick up size 14 clothes and wonder if I can fit into them, thinking they might be too small.

There are days I feel good about myself. But even this morning, in a size 8 outfit I felt fat. I looked in the mirror and was ashamed of what I saw. I saw a lot of fat. I see myself much bigger than what I actually am. When I see pictures of myself I often stare for a while, unable to believe that is how skinny I am.

I was a chubby kid and everyone made sure I knew it. I was always bigger than my older sister. She was so lean and I felt so chunky next to her.

In high school I ate as little as possible to try and lose weight. I used to do loads of sit ups, push ups, jog, everything. I sometimes worked out for 2 hours of an evening when I was supposed to be sleeping. I played sports. I avoided eating when I could and even fainted at school from lack of eating.

I have never really viewed myself as someone who had an eating problem. I am conscious of what I eat, but I will enjoy food. I never try to make myself throw up anything I have eaten, but even now if I binge too much I will then make sure I am super strict and sometimes skip meals.

I know this is illogical. I know how bad this is for my body. It is not my normal routine. But when I get depressed or upset and feel like my life is out of my control, I control my eating more because it is something I can control.

I don't always struggle. I don't usually tell anyone and my behaviour, things I say and do would indicate I think quite highly of myself. The exact opposite is true.

I don't really know why I am writing all of this. It's just how I feel. 

3 comments:

  1. I think many people could relate to you and the struggle. I myself have struggled with it my whole life, esp. self image. You look great girl and be proud of it! : )

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  2. You are looking fabulous and your hair and glasses are great. I've struggled with my weight since I was about 20 with being 8-12 kgs over weight and have lost weight and gained weight. You certainly couldn't be considered as overweight and you'll have to appreciate how far you have come on weight, emotions and all things in your life. Regards Kathy A, Brisbane, Australia

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